Posting from the Palace

Here is a notice from the Queen of England sent to Americans.....It could also be sent out by just about any kiwi


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth IIIn light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letter s, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion
10 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell att empt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11 You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you fac e the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13 You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

Kiwi Speak-Part 2

Ok, so when I first arrived in NZ I published a post of some "unique" terms that Kiwis use and after a few more weeks of living down under I thought I would provide an update. They are not in any particular order other than how I randomly started writing them down

• Nutter: used to refer to a crazy or odd person i.e. "Did you see that guy run across traffic, he was a total nutter" the funny thing is this is a "real" word in the Oxford dictionary so we'll blame this term on the Brits speaking of Brits you refer to them as "POMMES" here as they are "Prisoners of Mother England"
• Lolli-water: term used to describe a fruity alcoholic drink. At first I thought this was just a "Brendan term" (I could do a dictionary on his sayings as well but that's a whole other blog :-) until I heard it referred in a PSA saying "Just because it tastes like lolliwater doesn't mean it's any less dangerous to drink and drive"
• Paddock: used to explain a small farm or grassy area or field
• Lifestyle Block: this is a very common term to describe someone who is living on an area of land that is larger than a house plot but smaller than a farm or ranch i.e. 5-8 acres with animals is a "lifestyle block" some city folk also refer to as a "life sentence block" given the extra time and work a small "hobby farm" can entail
• "Cheap as Chips" this is probably one of the most common terms I've heard since I've been in NZ. It refers to when something is a really good deal and/or very inexpensive. "Hey mate did you hear about the Air New Zealand flight discounts between LAX and Auckland? They're cheap as chips" (remember that "chips" here are actually french fries)
• Moorish: Again this is a term I thought Brendan made up but once again t.v. confirmed in a recent food commercial that "moorish" is a "real" word. It refers to when you are eating something and you can't just have one so you want "more" i.e. "I've got to stop eating all these bisquets but they are so moorish"
• Pickish: Also a term used when snacking. Americans may say "grazing" It's used when you aren't really hungry and/or you aren't quite sure what you want to eat so you are feeling "a bit pickish"
• "Cry Off": A term used when you cancel plans and/or try and get out of plans. i.e. "Hey we are still a bit jet lagged from our China trip so we're going to cry off our dinner plans tonight"
• Scodie and Hodie: These are slang terms to describe when something or someone is a bit sketchy and/or dirty, scummy, lame, dodgy, low budget (you get the picture) i.e. "I think we should throw out this pillow it's getting a big scodie" Apparently these are slang terms that were used more in the 80's like our version of "sweet" or "lame" but I'm bringing them back into the mainstream
• Munt, Munted or Munter: Munt or Munted is like saying something is "trashed" in the states i.e. "I had a bad accident and my car is totally munted" or "look at my hand, it is totally munted after that biking accident" A "munter" is used to describe someone who is stupid or acting stupid "i can't believe you did that, you are such a munter (or munta)
• Bogan: Usually used to describe someone who is young, usually wearing black, has longish hair (almost like a mullet) usually acting immature, is obsesses with rugby, shows up in groups at the beach and plays loud music. For some it's somewhat of an offensive term used to describe someone from a lower economic class, but most use it as a way to describe a "trouble maker" (also used in the song Back in Black by ACDC)
• Drop Kick: this is a term to describe someone that is a loser or is bad news i.e. "I heard her boyfriend is a total drop kick" -it's a term stolen from rugby verbiage
• Candy floss: Cotton Candy
• Crook: Feeling sick i.e. "I got a bit crook when we went to China after eating all the random food"
• Gumboot: The actual shoes like rubber galoshes are called "gumboots" which apparently every kiwi has. They wear them to do yardwork, when it's muddy, out on the farm...... but it's also used to describe anything commone i.e. "i"ll just have some gumboot tea" would mean very basic black tea as would be served on a construction site by workers in gumboots
• Lawns or Garden: this seems obvious on what it's referring to but Kiwis don't "mow the lawn" they mow the "lawns" or they "work in the garden" even if they only have grass.
• Pram: a baby stroller
• Cot: a baby crib and if you "throw your toys out of the cot" that mean you just threw a fit (used for adults as well) i.e. "She was the worst employee she talked back and threw her toys out of the cot..."
• Shattered: used to describe if you are really tired i.e. "I'm totally shattered and can I could barely get out of bed"
• Shorts: the previews before a movie

Political Dollars and Sense?

Americans will be attending the voting polls in record numbers (hopefully) on November 4th to choose who will be our next President with hopes that either Obama or McCain (and their dream teams) will be able to fix the financial crisis, re-work the health system and end the war in Iraq within the their first two years in office -the final two years will solve global warming and buy back our businesses from China of course.

On November 8th, Kiwis will also flock to their polling sites to elect both members of Parliament and their next Prime Minster (which is done on the same ballot). But the campaign ads here in New Zealand just started about a week ago.
So while all you Americans are fast-forwarding your dvr's through all of the political commercials and think I'm lucky to have missed them, consider the trade off of explaining how the American campaign "trail" works to inquiring minds here in the Pacific.

There are many differences between the American and the New Zealand political systems including more than two parties running for the head spot (I think they have about 5 major parties), they have a Parliament and Prime Minister instead of Senate and Presidents and the most shocking part is that the NZ candidates just "officially" announced their candidacy this past Sunday and only really starting campaigning (via billboards) about 6 weeks ago when the election was actually announced (they don't do it on the same day or same years as we Yanks do).....which means they just started spending campaign dollars.

"Campaigning" in New Zealand does involve debates (which are quite colorful), t.v. ads and billboards but they started and continue their campaigning for less than 3 months total. Granted the Kiwi Candidates only have to travel up and down the country which is like Obama driving from Denver to Telluride...but it is a bit hard to explain how and why our candidates travel around the country, multiple times- Stay in expensive hotels with teams of people- Have expensive and continual t.v. commercials, high-end "fund raising" dinners, multiple debates.....ect ect.

It is a little bit hard to defend (or explain) how Americans are in a serious financial crisis yet our presidential candidates (who are supposed to be the ones that cure our financial woes) are the ones spending so many greenbacks. As of September 21, 2008 Obama had spent $377 million and McCain had spent $149 million according to the Federal Election Commission and now reports indicate that between the two candidates they have raised over $1 billion dollars which they will continue to raise until election day. This doesn't even begin to include the money raised and spent by Romney, Clinton, Edwards.......
I'm not sure if NZ candidates have a limit on how much money each party can spend on election campaigning and I couldn't find any information indicating how much had been spent. But in 3 months, a few commercials and billboards surely isn't reaching the billion mark.

I still think that America is truly the land of opportunity and offers more political and social diversity than a country like New Zealand but is spending money the country clearly doesn't have on smear ads and mud-slinging the best representation to the rest of the world on how the rest of Americans respect the dollar?




here's the link for NZ voters if you want to learn more on their system and voting process
http://www.elections.org.nz/

To read Helen Clark's (the incumbent) campaign nomination speech (and compare the differences of "major concerns") http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA0810/S00261.htm